Cold As Ice Fishing

These are the conversation hearts I gave the STP for Valentine's Day. He took Alex and I out to lunch today. He won lunch for 2 at the Sugar Shack in downtown Dodge City by entering the contest in the newspaper. The one where you had to describe in great detail your most romantic Valentines Day ever. No, really, all you had to do was answer the generic questions about Valentine's day and return it to the paper. And they only published the correct answers and the winners' names. No embarrassing pictures or poems.
But the best part of Valentine's Day this year was that the STP took me ice fishing. With 'the guys'. Ice fishing with the guys is no small deal. Wives do not go ice fishing. Even if the guys are going on Valentine's Day. They have breakfast together and one brave guy says, "Wives can come along." He knows his wife would never go, and he seriously doubts any other wife will go either. But Dave says, "Do you want to come along?" And I know that I will never get invited again, especially if I don't take this chance. So I went ice fishing.
Guys do not know what to do with this. First they think I am awesome and their wives are less than awesome because their wives would never go ice fishing with them. (except maybe once when they were dating). Then they start to get uncomfortable thinking that maybe other wives will start to go ice fishing and they will never get to go ice fishing again without their wives. And the wives are not really comfortable with me either. Maybe now their husbands will want them to go ice fishing with them. And who do I think I am--ice fishing with their husbands.
So here is what ice fishing is like: Cold.

Here is what you need to ice fish: A pick-up loaded with ice fishing paraphernalia and two sleds to haul said paraphernalia out onto the ice.

Ice fishing parphernalia includes: An ice auger (or two). To drill 6 to 10 inch holes through 18 inch thick ice. You first auger can be 6 inches in diameter, but the big fish are hard to get through a 6 inch hole so you will need a bigger auger. With a bigger engine. It takes two men to operate this, so you will also need a friend.
Ice fishing poles. This is a good time of year to buy an ice fishing pole, because they are on sale. You might as well buy two. If you have a license to ice fish you can use two poles. So you will have to drill two holes--for each of you.
A fish finder. This will tell you how deep the water is under the ice, so you know how deep to drop your line down the hole. It is also good to see fish swimming past your bait on their way to someone else's bait.
Bait. minnows, shrimp, or earth worms. Have some of each because you never know what the fish will be hungry for. The shrimp can be frozen. Ice fish love their food frozen. Also, you need a pocketful of miniature marshmallows to attach just above the earthworm on your hook. This makes the bait float a little, or else it gives the worm something to nibble on. If you are serious, your marshmallows are in a jar. They are bright green and have glitter on them. Now is a great time to buy a jar of these because they are on sale.
A fire pit. Set this up on the ice in the middle of where everyone is standing. Light a big fire. Once your line is baited and in the hole you will have a lot of time to stand around the fire. Stand on the far side of the fire from your holes. That way you can keep an eye on your poles in case you 'get a bite.' If you see your pole move you will have to holler and run frantically to your pole. Grab the line and give it a jerk to 'set the hook'. If you do not do this fast enough, some one else will do it for you. If the fish gets away it will be your fault, no matter how many guys have tugged on the line.
Now here is the part that is confusing. Put your pole (the one you just bought especially for ice fishing) down on the ice. Do not pick it up again until you have pulled the fish out of the hole using only your bare hands and a hand under hand motion on the fishing line. Just let the line fall in a tangle at your feet. I repeat--Do not use the pole or the reel. Again, if the fish gets away, it will be because you made a mistake in not keeping the line taut. You can probably solve this problem by buying a more expensive ice fishing rod. (While you are there you might as well price a new gun.)
A cooler stocked with food. Sausages to cook over the fire. Bags of Doritos. Drinks. However, if you are a woman you should not drink anything. There are no 'facilities' and it is not as easy for you to 'see a man about a horse' as it is for 'the guys'. And it is an hour home over a bumpy road.
If you catch a fish, it will flop around before it freezes to death. You will have to pick it up and get your picture taken with it. Hold the fish out in front of you, away from your body. This uses perspective to your advantage and makes your fish look bigger in the picture. If you want to catch another fish, you will have to kiss this fish. (This is a little known fact because guys do not take pictures of this ritual.)
If you want to sound like you know what you are doing, look at the fish and say, "Oh, it's a bull. See it's..." Do not finish the sentence. Anyone who does not know how the sentence ends will be too embarrassed to ask. Any one who knows what to look for will see it clearly and realize how knowledgable you are.
The STP and I only kissed each other, because we did not catch any fish. Alex caught two very nice cutthroat trout. My feet only got a little cold.
Would I do it again? Only if they asked me again.