I Used To Have Three Sisters

Alex visited the dentist shortly after his oldest sister left for college. The hygienist, in an attempt to make conversation (Why they do this when they have their hands in your mouth still eludes me), asked him if he had any brothers or sisters. He said,"I used to have three sisters, (and the hygienist braced herself for a sad story), but one of them went to college." I explained to him that even though your sisters don't live with you any longer, they are still your sisters.


Turns out I may have been mistaken.

I spent the past year getting to know my adult sisters better. A few delightful days in California, a week at the beach house in July. I thought we had bonded. Sent my baby sister a little gift that arrived on her birthday. Have all of their numbers in my cell phone. But after yesterday's edition of the Dodge City Gazette appeared on newstands and mailboxes throughout the region, I just have this to say: Sisters? What sisters?


Could they have used a baby picture, or even an awkward preteen picture? No. How about a recent, horrible, worse than real life picture! (And how did they photoshop those extra rolls on my stomach?)







Could they have cleverly disguised it so only those very close to me would be in on their little joke? No. How about my full name and my age just spelled right out!

On second thought, maybe I will keep my sisters. Now that I know how the game is played, I have 2, 3 and 10(!) years to exact my revenge. Years to gather inspiration and ammunition. I've only been thinking for one day and already I have this:

For the Cattauraggus Weekly:

NA: For your fiftieth an enormous surprise,

Finally your age is your bra size

(I have pictures...You know I do!)

For the Huntington Beach Press:

MK: Happy birthday to you,

Happy fiftieth to you,

You look like a crab,

and you smell like one too.

For the Clearfield Chronicle:

Remember I have 10 years for this one...

Oh, be afraid little sister, be very afraid....