New Appliances or Is That a Refrigerator in Your Mouth?

I bought a new appliance. Although it is shiny stainless steel, it is not for the kitchen. It does open and close, but it does not have an ice dispenser. It is an orthodontic appliance. It attaches to the Goob's back teeth and will reposition and realign his jaw in preparation for his braces. For the down payment I could have bought a refrigerator with an ice dispenser. For the additional payments, I'm pretty sure I could have a matching range and dishwasher. It is no consolation, but the Goob feels like he has a refrigerator in his mouth. He can not touch his top teeth to his bottom teeth, making it difficult to eat anything except chocolate ice cream. The metal hinges and screws rub the insides of his cheeks sore. He is not fond of this. He had no desire to have his jaw repositioned nor his teeth straightened. I tried in vain to convince him that I'm doing this to him because I love him and that it will be good for him in the long run.

Me: It will make you more attractive. Your wife will thank me some day.

Goob: Do you want me to marry someone who is so shallow that she will only be interested in me if my teeth are straight?

M: It will make you breathe easier and reduce snoring.

G: Would you love Dad more if he didn't snore?

M: It will help you sleep better and improve your grades.

G: Oh, will it turn in assignments on time for me too?

M: Um, it will make you more attractive. It will help you get a date for the prom. Here take this advil.

G: Are you saying that I am such a failure as a human being that I will need to adjust my lower jaw a quarter of an inch and straighten my teeth to even get a date? Do you think that this smile is going to attract eighth grade girls? Do you think that my middle school experience will be enhanced if I look like Jaws from the Bond movie?

M: I don't think you look like any one from the Bond movie. I think you look like some one from the Wallace and Grommit movie. Maybe Wallace.

G: Can I quit track?

Okay, I didn't really say the part about Wallace. By this point I was really questioning if this really was the best course of action and feeling bad for him and picturing my kitchen with new stainless steel appliances, and maybe even a granite countertop.

Maybe we would both feel better if there was a little light that turned on when he opened his mouth.